A Chick Flicks

anal eyes that

2009-06-17T10:58:00.000+12:00

Funny how innocent little statistics can give you a blast from the past. Goggle analytics has just provided me a reminder of a life long ago in very different circumstances.

I'm pretty happy that I'm in these circumstances now, and not still in those. Sometimes it's very satisfying to see how far you've moved on compared to people from your past, especially those that continue to repeat behavioural patterns over and over and when the same outcome comes from those patterns over and over, they can never understand why. Those people need to have out of body experiences.

Or a good kick up the arse.

What not to say to your girlfriend when she has PMT and needs an entire packet of TimTams

2009-06-11T14:27:00.004+12:00

Boy: staring adoringly at girl
Girl: what
Boy: your hair's getting really long
Girl: yes it is
Girl: expects loving compliment
Boy: you could almost have a mullet
Girl: get the fuck out of my car

In which most of the world annoys me just by breathing until I get a crunchie and a trashy mag

2009-06-09T15:47:00.003+12:00

imgaine Rob Lowe
but shorter
with little feet
and a small pot belly
and without the hotness
and little wire specs
and a stupid short man goatee
and an annoying penchant for crunching loudly on apples and celery sticks
and an if he clears his throat every 2 minutes just once more I shall stab him habit
and a favourite catch phrase "note to self" where he actually means you need to note to yourself
and ugly shoes on those little feet
basically a small nibbling rodent with specs (ohmygod I almost forgot the obssessive pull the specs cleaning cloth out of pocket, clean specs, fold neatly, put back in pocket, fucking annoying twat behaviour!)

dishing the dirt

2009-01-16T14:13:00.001+13:00

Now I don't mean this in a malicious vindictive evil way at all, but I simply cannot wait until Hugh Hefner kicks the bucket and all those blondes release their "true stories" about all the real goings on in the Playboy mansion.

a chocolate box of satin

2009-01-07T09:07:00.003+13:00

I have been planning my wedding since as long as I've been breathing. Of course there was always one minor detail missing, the groom.

I now have the certain to be groom in my life and I will very soon get to plan my real life wedding! Very exciting!

Last night, in my head, I finally settled on the dresses for me and my girls. The colours are fab, purple, raspberry and chocolate satin, and they provide Cadbury a perfect opportunity to sponsor my wedding. Oooo, then I might get a choccie fountain for free, woohoo!

All he needs to do is get on with giving me the fucking diamond!

some days there are never enough tampons

2008-12-23T09:56:00.002+13:00

nothing more to say about that
let your imaginations run wild

2 more sleeps till santa

2008-12-23T09:45:00.003+13:00

It's practically the last day of work. Technically tomorrow is, but we just need to show up, go out for brekkie, then piss off for the year. Needless to say, no work is being done today

Shit bugger fuck, whatever it was in my head that I was going to write has vanished because of:

brrring brring
Hello
I've left my car at the station, do you want to swap keys
but I drove in
oh yeah
do you want to swap keys anyway
what the fuck for you stupid mental person?!

ahhhh, brain hurts, boyfriend not making sense, oh yeah, just remembered the olds are flying in tonight and need to arrange the cars to go pick them up, boyfriend making complete sense now, and I am retarded.

It's a good thing I'm pretty.

dreamer, you stupid little dreamer

2008-12-23T09:27:00.005+13:00

Last night, out of nowhere, and completely unwarranted, I dreamt/dreamed of him.

It was one of the those dreams with a very clear, you already know this, message of he just wasn't that into you. That has been well established, and I don't really give a fuck about it anymore, and I'm very very happy with my lovely boyfriend.

But what the fuck did that dream pop into my head for?! The universe is fucking with me. Or maybe it's because the Shrek babies were on TV the other night, and he had chubby chipmunk cheeks like a little baby Shrek. That could be it.

Come the fuck on Bridget

2008-12-23T09:09:00.002+13:00

I seriously need to downsize and efficientise the contents of my handbag.

It has just taken me fifty million fucking years to find:
- the spectaculars
- the pills for the pain
- the pills for the sneezing
- the pills for the fat old nana heartburn
- the mobile to text back about the tickets for the thing

Half of the problem is all the fucking tissues in there for the aforementioned sneezing. Jebus Christus!

ping pong

2008-12-18T10:39:00.002+13:00

This is me.

And this, this and this is him.

love to love you baby

2008-12-18T09:12:00.002+13:00

"I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"Samezies, but a girl one".

turn that frown upside down

2008-12-16T20:52:00.002+13:00

After a bad day at work he was all grumpy and frowny.

"What's wrong" I said.
"Grumble, mumble, bad at my job" he said.
"You're not bad at your job, you've just had a bad day, and probably worrying too much about things as you do" I said.
"hmph" he said.
"I love you" I said, "And you're very good at this job."
"What job" he said, "being loveable?"
"Yes" I said.

And he smiled.

a ponder

2008-12-16T16:16:00.002+13:00

I would like to know what is it about big girls that guys attracted to big girls like.

And I don't mean the ones that have a fat girl fettish, or the ones that think that a fat girl is desperate so will shag anyone.

I want genuine insights from genuine boys genuinely attracted to the lovely big girls.

have you ever?

2008-12-16T16:10:00.001+13:00

decided to revisit an old blog of yours
only to read the last post you wrote
and think
what the fuck?

i have
just now
what the fuck was I on that day?

oh, and welcome back to me

Touching with the lips

2008-06-27T13:58:00.002+12:00

B R D
I C K Y K I S S I N G
O G L E D I D E A L E
A L E E L E G A N T
D I S P R O V E D T E A
P V I E W
L S D N A
O E U G L Y
T S A R A
A V A C O P E
N O N R P
G I G E T I M E
R E D E E M L G A L
L D U C T E D I R E
T E D R E A D Y N I T
S T O E D E A S E S

A purler

2008-06-27T13:47:00.001+12:00

My favourite quote for today.

"Work seems to be a waste of good knitting time."

Love revisited

2008-06-19T16:52:00.004+12:00

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good times and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowance for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in-and-day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.”

My happy place song

2008-06-19T16:35:00.000+12:00

Have you ever?

2008-06-18T13:10:00.002+12:00

Looked at your nose pores in a magnifying mirror?

At work?

At your desk?

Mistaken a smear of Marmite on your hand for poo?

Licked mistaken smear off your hand?

How I know life is good

2008-06-18T12:24:00.002+12:00

I sing in the mornings

I dance in the shower

I do not live on an emotional rollercoaster

nor do I take the occasional ride on said rollercoaster

I clap hands

a lot

I hardly ever blog

Latest reads and one word reviews

2008-02-14T11:44:00.003+13:00

The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold - fab

My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult - fab

Portrait of an Unknown Woman, Vanora Bennett - good

The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Nifenegger - fab

The Memory Keeper's Daughter, Kim Edwards - good

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon - fave

Things I thought about on the taxi ride home

2008-01-15T10:18:00.000+13:00

1. Many quirkily dressed people look dirty, even though they are probably very clean, they just look dirty because they are quirky, this also applies to the uber vintage wearing too cool for themselves people (what does uber mean anyway?), and those with dreadlocks, and boys who wear the crotch of their skinny jeans down round their knees, actually any boy that wears skinny jeans, and girls that wear old woolly cardis.

2. What is pleasant about Mt Pleasant? Pleasant is a bit of a ho-hum type of word, it’s not fantastic, or grand or beautiful, or outstanding, nor is it revolting, repulsive, horrifying, or abysmal, it’s just pleasant, run of the mill, Mr or Ms Average, could try harder.

3. What are R J (?) Benge and Sons purveyors of?

4. I still really love the stone bench on Raroa Road and still haven’t stopped to get out of the car and have a look at the plaque on it. I wish I had discovered it on a lovely stroll down the road on a sunny afternoon. I probably would have a had a lovely wicker basket with fresh bread and cheese from the village and have made my way home through Lovers Lane and several other poetically names spots along my route.

5. The taxi driver has really nice hands, even though he is a turban wearing man of Indian persuasion that I would not normally ever find attractive.

6. Should I have a shower before or after dinner?

For Mr Coffeee

2007-05-26T23:54:00.001+12:00

Put this on your to-do list:

- experience love that could level me if it left me

Comfort

2007-05-26T22:45:00.000+12:00

There is no comfort here
within these arms of another
within these eyes that are not yours.
There is no comfort here
without your heart that's with another
without my soul which once was yours.

If you took my heart from beneath my breast
it's rawness would drench your hand.
If you were to paint with colour from my heart
your landscape would be bland.

There is some comfort here
in the time that is passing
in my tears that now do slumber.
There is some comfort here
with a heart that begins to ease
with a soul that hopes and wonders.

If you took my heart from beneath my breast
it’s rhythm would be steady.
If you were to paint with colour from my heart
your brush should be at the ready.

There is more comfort there
in the time that is to come
in the life that is not a chore.
There is more comfort there
within the arms of unknown love
within my soul which is not yours.

Handle with care

2007-04-30T23:05:00.000+12:00

Maybe if everything we did, everything we had and everything that I felt for you was only a dream, maybe I'd wake up heartbroken that it was never real.

But instead I was heartbroken that what I thought we had and what I thought you felt for me was never real.

Wet patches

2007-04-10T20:31:00.000+12:00

There is a warm patch on my leg which the kitten is sleeping next to that is getting incresingly warmer and I'm hoping it's not going to end up being a wet patch of cat wee.

By the way, the knocked up cat came back, gave birth to 4 tiny kittens, lost one, moved the other three for a couple of weeks, then brought them all home again. They are precious and I love them, but they go to new families in a few weeks. Great, because then they won't be able to climb up onto the couch anymore, via my BARE LEGS!!!

In other news: I've been offered a promotion, and the bank said I can borrow money to buy MY VERY FIRST HOUSE!!!!!

I am so grown up right now.

Hello, is this thing on?

2007-02-25T00:27:00.000+13:00

Is there anyone out there?

Just wondering if anyone reads my drivel. I've got a little hit counter wotsit which delights in taunting me with a row of zeros. I wonder if it's broken, as I've viewed my blog while not logged in and it didn't record that hit.

Maybe I've done something wrong and no one can see this.
Or maybe they can and the hit thing is fucked.
Or maybe no one gives a fuck.

Who knows. For now I will leave you with this (that is if there are any of you out there to have things left with):

Halfway up the stairs
is a stair where I sit
There isn't any other stair
quite like it
It's not at the bottom
and it's not at the top
but this is the stair
where I always stop.

Bye for now.....

My brain is mouldy

2007-02-22T22:13:00.000+13:00

Your Brain is Green

Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.
You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.
You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

What Color Is Your Brain?

Tickets Please!

2007-02-22T21:57:00.000+13:00

People, please have your fucking ticket ready when you get on the bus, board the plane, enter the cinema, exit the parking building and all other situations that require a ticket to get on, in, out or off.

You are not doing anyone any favours by waiting until you are infront of the ticket collector before you, firstly, find your purse/wallet/Hello Kitty ticket holder in the depths of your handbag/manbag/urban chic satchell, and secondly fish your ticket out from behind your cashpoint card, library card and photo of your loved one while simultaneously dropping said cards and photos on the floor resulting in even more fucking about while you pick all your shit up.

How fucking difficult is it to do all that before you get on the fucking bus?! You've been standing there long enough doing fucking nothing while you wait for the bus which, let's face it, is always late (except for the one day that you are one minute late for the bus and it left on time).

You all annoy the fuck out of me!

This has been a public service announcement, thank you for listening.

Jon Bon Jovi is a hottie and I'm not ashamed to say it!

2007-02-19T23:31:00.000+13:00

Your 80s Theme Song Is:

Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi

What's Your 80s Theme Song?

Am I normal?

2007-02-19T23:09:00.000+13:00

Right, so tell me if this is normal.

As you know, I am in the process of getting over a broken heart. Most of the different things I am experiencing during the recovery I think are normal, however I'm a bit unsure about one thing.

I masturbate. A lot. More than I used to when I was single. This on its own I can handle, but my problem is that I have to masturbate to porn. If I try to have a wank without any 'adult visual stimulation' all I can think of is my ex and our beautiful, sweet and tender love making, and of course this upsets me and I can't reach a climax. The porn makes it all about the horniness and distracts my mind from thinking of him.

I wonder too if the amount of wanking I do is a way of releasing tension and a way of feeling something good and pleasurable while I'm trying to get through feeling sad and miserable.

Surely this is normal? I'm not drowning my sorrows in tequila or ice-cream, or in nicotine. Is it ok to drown my sorrows in porn? It seems a bit fucked up really, especially as normally I'm not overly interested in porn (it does get boring seeing endless cocks banging 'shaven tight pussies' over and over again).

The first time I had a wank after we broke up all I could think of was him inside me. Afterwards I cried like I've never cried before. Rib breaking and heart wrenching sobs.

God I miss him so much. But I'm picking myself up and trying to move on. I'm learning to cope and to not let it hurt me so much all the time. Sometimes I think I'm not really moving on, just masking the pain. But I guess that's what you do until you don't need to mask the pain anymore.

Hopefully soon I will be able to write witty and insightful social commentary for you instead of 'poor heartbroken little me'.

It's been

2007-02-19T17:11:00.000+13:00

64 days since he left.
32 days since he broke my heart.
31 days since he said he wished he was in love with me.
19 days since I turned to him for help and he didn't give it.
10 days since he shunned responsibility.
10 days since I decided to shut him out, get over him, and find my inner superfox again.

5 days since the knocked up cat went missing.

Oh so funky

2007-02-17T18:56:00.000+13:00

Go here www.jperiod.com and get some funky ass shit by which to shake what ya mama gave ya.

And by the way

2007-02-16T22:06:00.001+13:00

I still haven't book crossed any books yet. Useless!

I love JT and I'm not ashamed to admit it!

2007-02-16T21:57:00.000+13:00

So, on the bus on the way home tonight I thought of an outstandamazing 'concept' for my next post. Of course, I've forgotten it now, the thought seeped out of my brain somewhere between worrying about my pregnant cat who hasn't been home for 2 nights (she can't be out rooting because she's already done that and is well knocked up (incidentally the knocking up of my cat was done UNDER MY BED while I was in it!)) and the crazy strange woman who came to my front door and accussed my car of hitting her car at the local pool last week when I haven't even used my car for the last 2 weeks. Crazy bitch.

Back to the bus ride. OHMYGOD the bus was full of a very large Indian family who had eaten curry for breakfast, lunch and dinner for ever and totally STUNK OUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING BUS!

But JT bought sexy back. How did I cope with the world before my ipodulator?

And now I have something in my eye, fuck it.

What's for dinner?

2007-02-10T18:31:00.000+13:00

Option 1:
Chip butties

Option 2:
Toasted sammies

Option 3:
Pasta

Option 4:
Ben and his good friend Jerry

Option 5:
Pinot Noir and Marlboro Lights

I'm not the only ostrich

2007-02-10T18:29:00.000+13:00

Yes I know you told me.

But I told you too.

And you decided not to listen.

Snap

Seriously cute and bit fucked up!

2007-02-07T21:01:00.001+13:00

The beary best blogging bear ever.

Hmmmm

2007-02-07T20:47:00.000+13:00

So it appears he's not ignoring me, not convinced.

I forgot to bookcross a book today.

The cat's knocked up.

This year I will read more

2007-02-06T17:25:00.000+13:00

In my bookshelf there are 12 books I have not read yet, or I have started reading and haven't finished. They are:

Margaret George – The Autobiography of Henry VIII
Patricia Cornwell – Southern Cross
William Makepeace Thackeray – Vanity Fair
Rachel King – The Sound of Butterflies
Margaret Atwood – Alias Grace
Jung Chang – Wild Swans
Lauren Henderson - Jane Austen’s Guide to Dating
Jean Sasson – Mayada Daughter of Iraq
Katie Hickman – Courtesans
Philippa Gregory – Wildacre
Isabel Allende – Daughter of Fortune
F. Scott Fitzgerald – Tender is the Night

In my bookshelf there are 12 books that will go travelling. They are:

Stella Duffy – Singling out the Couples – BCID 633-4816644
Ann Granger – Running Scared – BCID 806-4816647
Joan Jonker – Sweet Rosie O’Grady – BCID 153-4816655
Karen Roberts – The Flower Boy – BCID 633-4816661
Sheelagh Kelly – Erin’s Child – BCID 377-4816666
Jane Sigaloff – Name & Address Withheld – BCID 549-4816676
Linda LaPlante – Cold Heart – BCID 679-4816680
Michael Gerber – Barry Trotter and the Unnecessary Sequel – BCID 925-4816699
Anna Maxted – Getting Over It – BCID 861-4816716
Nick Hornby – High Fidelity – BCID 766-4816724
Patricia Cornwell – Portrait of a Killer – BCID 767-4816730
Ben Elton – High Society – BCID 216-4816735

The letter

2007-02-06T13:20:00.000+13:00

I realise that you are avoiding any contact with me, even possibly to the point of getting your Mum to lie for you and say you were asleep when I called. If I know you, you will be doing this to give me time and space to get over you, and probably for your benefit so you don’t have to deal with the mess you have left behind.

You said to me that you don’t want to lose my friendship. You also said that you would never ignore me, and that I could call you whenever. Well, you lied, didn’t you?

The last time I spoke to you on the phone, I really needed your friendship. I was so frightened that I was on the edge of an emotional breakdown and you are the only person I felt I could admit that too. I hadn’t been coping very well at all, crying myself to sleep every night, each day would get harder and harder to get through the day. I just really needed to talk to you and know that you do still care about me. But I guess you don’t because you are shutting me out.

The way you are acting makes me feel that our entire relationship was a lie, and belittles the special friendship that I thought we shared. I feel like a fool.

While we were together I put up with a lot of things that hurt me because you had told me that you had an emotional barrier up, not just to me, but to anyone potentially getting that close to you. I’ve decided I’m not going to accept it anymore and it’s time to tell you how your behaviour affected me.

You have hurt me more than you could ever know. If you were really my friend and you had known that you would never be in love with me, you should have ended it a long time ago. Maybe you didn’t know how you would ever feel about me, as you never actually said to me that you’re not in love with me, just that you weren’t capable of feeling in love with anyone because of your history etc. But if you did, you shouldn’t have carried on. Especially as you know what it’s like to have your heart broken and your world shattered, if you were really my friend you wouldn’t have put me through this.

Now that I think about it, that night we had that chat at C Street, and you said that you’re not capable of feeling in love, I said to you if I lived in England too it wouldn’t make any difference, we’d never be together. You said that’s not necessarily the case, again giving me reason to think it was all about your emotional barrier and not getting attached to NZ, not that you would never want to be with me.

Some of the ways you treated me have done immense amounts of damage to my self esteem. Never kissing me outside of sex really affected me. You told me it’s because it’s too close and intimate and that you were protecting yourself from getting too close by not kissing me. That same conversation I told you that it made me feel cheap, but you chose to ignore that.

Never telling me that I’m beautiful or sexy or whatever made me feel so ugly and that I repulsed you. I know that guys are capable of having sex with a woman they are not attracted to, so I could never assume that you did find me attractive just because you slept with me. I still feel hideous, and this has a lot to do with the way you treated me.

That night that we had been to the league at the stadium with the boys and R and M, you walked off afterwards with the boys not paying any attention to where anyone else was. I actually ended up walking most of the way to the pub by myself because I had been separated from you guys and from R and M. R and M eventually caught up with me and asked if I was ok, I said I was fine. But later on when R and I were having a chat he asked me if I was really ok because he had noticed that you went off without me. I said that I was a bit bummed that you weren’t worried about where I was and you weren’t looking out for me, but that I would not say anything to you about it because I didn’t want to be a nagging girlfriend. I know this is just a little thing, but it just added to a whole lot of other stuff that bothered me, especially because other people had noticed that you had rushed off without me.

I was actually really surprised when you told me that you told the girls who chatted you up in Australia that you had someone in NZ. I always got the impression from you that you would never tell anyone that you were with me. I don’t know, I just got so many mixed messages from you it was always hard to figure out where I stood.

You used to tell me how your Mum makes everything about how she feels and makes everyone else feel guilty. Well you are just the same, you’re not nasty with it, but you made a lot of this about how you felt. I was reluctant to talk to you about a lot of stuff because I knew it would make you feel guilty and you would go funny on me and shut me out for a while, making me feel terrible. Whenever I did something nice for you, no matter how big or small it was, you would go all funny and really spoil it for me, when all I wanted to do was do something to make you smile with no other agenda.

I know that we’ll never be together, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever see you again, but I also know this. I know that you are or were in love with me. You can argue that all you like, but when you know someone is in love with you, you just know. Just how you know that I am in love with you, it has nothing to do with words or actions, you just know. I have seen it a few times when you have let your guard down. A few times when we’ve been out and you’ve caught my eye across the room and smiled that kind of smile that only people in love share. I’ve heard it in your voice sometimes when you called me the special name you had for me. I saw it in your eyes at the airport when you came back from Australia, and that night when you made love to me and that’s what made me cry. That night was very special to me because when you looked at me you really looked at me, no barriers up. I saw it too the morning that you left, at the café and at the airport when you said goodbye. God that was the worst day of my life, it hurt so much to say goodbye to you. When you walked into the walkway onto the plane I knew that would be the last time I would ever see you and that image will remain with me for a long time.

I think that you believe you’re not in love with me because you have spent so long and been so determined not to fall in love with me that it’s easier to believe that you’re not now that you are on the other side of the world. The distance makes it easier for you to continue to ignore any feelings like that and you will continue to shut me out so that you don’t have to deal with the possibility of giving yourself to someone again.

I’m returning the ring to you. I thought it was given with love and it meant so much to me, but I was wrong and I can’t keep it as a way to have you with me. I want you to have it. I know that it will probably hurt you for me to send it back to you, but it’s only a tiny amount of the hurt that you have caused me. I’m not doing this to be malicious, but I can’t keep it as a reminder of our love and I feel that it belongs with you. I don’t want anyone else to have it. I would like you to keep it for a while, as I don’t think it’s right to get rid of it completely at the moment, but I guess that is your decision now.

I love you so much. I don’t think you could ever comprehend exactly how much I love you. I love you so completely and unconditionally that it hurts, the good kind of hurt that you can only get from feeling so much emotion for someone that no combination of words can express the depth and intensity of your feelings. I have been in love before, but I’ve never trusted and respected someone so much that I was able to give him everything I have and show him everything I am so freely and without hesitation.

I’ve told you that I fell in love with you when I first met you. It was definitely love at first sight, not lust, but a sense of calm when you know in the pit of your stomach and the soles of your feet that everything is going to be ok. The kind of calm when you know that you can give your heart to that person and they will never steal your soul in return.

I’m not denying that I am also responsible for some of this, I put myself in this position and new that there was the potential to get hurt. I can chastise myself all I like for my role in this, and I do. But you know that you could have ended this a long time ago, we both could have. I don’t know for sure what stopped us both from ending it. I do know that during that time early on where we tried not to have any contact I was miserable without you. In some ways I regret not ending it sooner, then I wouldn’t be in this position now. That said, I don’t regret loving you, because now I know the joy that loving someone can give you. In the past when a relationship has ended I’ve always realised very soon afterwards that I am much happier on my own, but it’s different this time. Now that I’ve experienced what true love is really like I don’t want to be without it. And I guess in time I will figure out if it’s true love on it’s own that I don’t want to be without, or true love with you.

I don’t necessarily want a reply from you. I have accepted that we will never be and this letter is something I need to do to begin to get on with my life. I don’t know how the next few months are going to go, but I really hope that I can start to live again and numb myself to the hurt and pain of losing you. I don’t know how I will feel about you in time to come, or if I will be able to renew a friendship with you. Then again, I don’t know how genuine you are about being my friend. We will never again be able to share the kind of friendship we had as that is the type of friendship that you can only share with someone you are intimate with. I don’t know if I will contact you again, I’m just going to get through each day until I am ready to think about the future again. I do know that if you ever really need a friend, or god forbid something terrible happens to you, that you can contact me.

For now, I will leave you with this quote I stumbled across. I don’t know who it’s from, but it says a lot about how I feel about you.

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good times and bad. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowance for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in-and-day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.”

I love you

It's time for.....

2007-02-05T22:36:00.000+13:00

The removal of all things 'him' related.

Convincing myself that from this day forward I will exercise, eat properly, lose weight, keep my house neat and tidy, commit myself to furthering my career, make an effort to make more friends and see more of the friends I do have, and generally be a much happier and more fabulous person.

Writing a letter unleashing all the emotions, feelings, anger and hurt that he has caused and telling him how he ruined my birthday by not calling me with birthday wishes, among other similar things that I have stored up inside the entire time.

Deciding if I will actually send the letter, along with the ring he gave me for Christmas (because I know that will hurt him and the hurt I cause him sending the ring back will only be one hundreth of the pain that he has caused me).

Coming to terms with the fact that he will never be mine and he will be with someone else soon (and trying not to vomit as the thought of that makes me sick to the bottom of my stomach).

Getting on with my life (even though I can't fathom life without him, it's so hard to lose your best friend).

Asking the doctor for sleeping pills so that I can finally get one full night's sleep and get rid of the 10 piece luggage set that has taken up residence under my eyes.

Learning how to laugh again. I want to live, not just exist.

PPS:

2007-02-05T01:00:00.000+13:00

Oh my god, I have just found out that Kat Von D is only 24! Fuck she's cool though, see.......

http://www.katvond.net/

Day whatever

2007-02-05T00:46:00.000+13:00

Miami Ink is one of my new favourite shows. I want to be Kat Von D, she is so incredibly cool. One of those chicks that can carry off a body covered in tattoos and still be really hot and feminine. I want to be her. Of course I don't think I'd get away with 'that look' in my boring public servant office job.

However, that show is making me want to get another tattoo, but I want Kat to do it. She is an amazing artist. It's almost like she tattoos with a paint brush and creates all her images with a really delicate touch, which I would imagine is pretty hard seeing tattoos have to go through a few layers of skin.

So anyway, I already have one tattoo, just a little one on my hip of my star sign symbol. For a long time now I've been thinking about getting an angel to represent my guardian angel, my Nana who died many years ago when I was very young. I loved her and she was my best friend in my whole world. I often get signs that she is with me and looking after me, so I'd really like to get something to represent her. The only thing is that angels and angel wings are quite common tattoos and I really don't like that typical tattoo look. I'd like something quite stylised and designy, the kind of artwork you'd find on modern designer stationery, or notebooks, diaries, photo albums etc.

Then I also thought I'd like to get a sweetpea, as my Dad often calls me Sweetpea, and I am a daddy's girl. Also, my Nana is my Dad's mother, so it all seems to fit together. It would be great to be able to jump on a plane to Miami and get Kat to come up with something that will combine my existing tattoo with the angel and sweetpeas, as I'd like them all to be in the same place on my hip. No where else on my body feels right really.

Anyway, I'm blathering on tonight and my writing is not really any good either. It makes a change from going on about my broken heart I guess.

PS: He is such a Jerk!

Day 24 - You said you'd never ignore me

2007-02-04T00:59:00.000+13:00

Sometimes
the hardest thing to do
is the right thing to do

Yearning

2007-02-01T12:26:00.000+13:00

I don't think he realises how much I love him.

Every fibre of my being needs him.

I am another tragic love song.

Outside I hear wind and high heels

2007-02-01T07:35:00.000+13:00

It's morning.

I dreamt he had only one shoe and a black eye. He'd grown his hair too.

I am sneezey.

I can't sleep.

I feel deserted. Abandoned.

It's 7.50am and the builders next door have started with the noise already!

You're nobody till somebody loves you

2007-01-31T22:32:00.000+13:00

It's been a long time since I've been here.

In that long time I have loved so completely and unconditionally that it hurt. That good kind of hurt that you can only get from feeling so much emotion for someone that no combination of words could ever express the depth and intensity of your feelings for that someone. A deep rooted ache in the very core of you.

Sure, I have been in love before, but never have I trusted and respected someone so much that I was able to give him everything I have and show him everything I am so freely and without hesitation. I love him.

I LOVE him. Do you understand?

My love for him has been full of so many hollywood moments.

There was love at first sight. Love, not lust, not phwoar, not woohoo, not eyes popping out of their sockets with hearts for pupils, but love. Simple, honest, pure love. That sense of calm, when you know in the pit of your stomach and the soles of your feet that everything is going to be ok. That sense of calm, when you know that you can give your heart to that person and they will never steal your soul in return.

There was a desperate, public, first time uttered 'I love you' in a dramatic parting of ways. The kind of parting of ways that seemed for the best on the surface but that led to complete misery for both. Then a tentative reunion which led to a special and ever increasing connection.

There was a silly jealous tiff and the inevitable making up, holding hands and soppy looks across the table, the rest of the world insignificant and invisible to the lovers.

Then there was the goodbye. The most heart-wrenching goodbye of my life.

You see, he was only in the country for a year and pig-headedly determined to go back home at the end of that year. He had a plan for his life, and that plan didn't include meeting me. He spent 9 months not letting himself get too attached, but still loving me.

And now he's home he says he doesn't feel 'in love' with me. He loves me, he thinks the world of me, I would make a great wife, we are best friends, soulmates, companions and lovers, but he isn't 'in love'. (But isn't that what being in love is?) He wishes he was.

I wish he was.

I know he his. I've seen it in his eyes. When we made love. When he caught my eye across the room and smiled that smile that only someone in love smiles at you. When he called me by the special name he has for me. The name that I can't tell you because it's ours, and only ours.

But I have to get on with my life. I can't put life on hold with 'he'll realise he's wrong one day', or 'it's easier for him to think that way because he's on the other side of the world'. My god, he's on the other side of the fucking world!

I need him.
I miss him.
I love him.

I LOVE HIM! Do you hear me?

After all that, how am I supposed to believe in love at first sight anymore?

After all that, how am I supposed to stop crying myself to sleep every night?

After all that, how do you make to the other side of 'it just takes time'?

After all that, I will still love him.

After all that.

Rambling Rose

2006-04-20T21:48:00.000+12:00

There's not much to say today, yet there's heaps at the same time. For instance:
- I still believe boys are dumb and we should throw stones at them.
- How do single mothers live off the DPB? I did some calculations today and on my above average salary I could barely survive supporting myself and a child, and that's forgoing those lovely bottles of pinot noir and fancy cheese.
- I like sausages.
- My cat has a broken ear, I hope the other cat is in worse state.
- Hot cross buns are definately better with choc chips.
- I didn't gorge myself on anywhere near enough easter eggs this easter.
- Children should have manners and not be allowed to run around in shops, little shits.
- My leg is itchy.
- My bed is lonely.
- What would be the odds of being knocked up?

For Mr Blue Sky

2006-04-11T22:12:00.000+12:00

Bit pissed
oops
accidentally polished of the celebre
love the lovely red wine
and it loves me

Dance until your hair's wet, then go home

2006-04-06T19:52:00.000+12:00

Yesterday it was deep vein thrombosis.
Today it was renal failure.
Tomorrow is will be alzheimer's.
Or will it?
I forget.
Dry your eyes mate.

Boys are dumb, throw stones at them

2006-04-04T20:51:00.000+12:00

There's always some fucking dumb excuse:
- I have a enough baggage to fill a 737, let me pull out the 'friend' card, even though I can't keep away from you, flirt outrageously with you, call you all the time, spend all my free time with you, email you everyday, touch your hand across the table at lunch, cuddle on the couch, hold hands on a romantic waterfront walk. Cock
- Who loves beer the most. I can't be in a relationship because I have issues with beer. I'll tell you you're beautiful, not let go of your hand, we'll have a song, I'll make beautiful sweet lovin' to you on the beach, and then I'll tell you that I'm in love with someone else but she doesn't love me. Cunt

When I am queen of the world

2006-01-25T22:16:00.000+13:00

The first against the wall will be:

anyone with an offensive haircut
people who try to get past you on the escalator and don't say excuse me, then get all huffy
cycle couriers who have no interest in personal hygiene
fuckwits who dress like they want to be in The Matrix
text speak writers
wearers of dark green polar fleece and white running shoes
socks with sandals

Top 5 du jour

2006-01-25T14:17:00.000+13:00

Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
Gold Digger - Kanye West and Jamie Foxx
Wandering Eye - Fat Freddys Drop
Naughty Girl - Beyonce

Who's Your Daddy

2006-01-24T23:10:00.000+13:00

Your Daddy Is Pedro Martinez

What You Call Him: Daddy-o
Why You Love Him: He takes you to Disneyland

Who's" Your Daddy?

This week's achievement

2006-01-17T22:57:00.000+13:00

I waxed my butt.
Fuck that hurts.
Never, ever do it.
Unless you are planet of the apes.

In a nutshell

2006-01-17T22:52:00.000+13:00

There have been new shoes.
There have been cocktails.
There have been beers.
There has been gambling.
There has been walking.
There has been swiming in the ocean.
There have been mochacinos.
There has been deception.
There has been heartbreak.
There have been Marlboro Lights.

I told myself to tell him to fuck off.
And I did.

Tuesday 4.19pm

2006-01-10T16:15:00.000+13:00

1 cheese scone
2 trim caps
8 peices tuna sushi
1 choc calci-yum
1 can diet coke
far too many Marlboro Lights

What kind of sexy are you?

2006-01-09T23:12:00.000+13:00

You Are Fun Sexy

You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.Any guy would be crazy to turn you down!

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

Most dumb-ass TV show title ever

2006-01-06T19:09:00.000+13:00

World's Best Australian Beaches

Thanks to the creative genie-i at Discovery Travel and Adventure

There is no X in espresso

2006-01-06T18:19:00.000+13:00

That's all, you dumb ass, white trash, no class fuckers.

Strap it on

2006-01-06T10:28:00.000+13:00

Now I am by all intense purposes a straight 'love my man gravy' woman. But I have just seen the Vanity Fair photos of Lindsay Lohan. Oh my god is she hot! I'm on that fence of either wanting to be her, or wanting to do her. Perhaps if I was her I'd do myself all the time.

Fuck she needs a good riding.

Same.

Bitch, you're on my veil

2006-01-05T20:38:00.000+13:00

This year I will:

Listen to my own advice.
Be better with money.
Respect.
Wax my butt.

The Very Hungry Caterpiller

2006-01-05T19:54:00.000+13:00

Why is it that when we were kids we would read the books we loved over and over again and never get sick of them?

Now it is rare that I will ever read the same book twice, no matter how much I loved it. And if I were to read it again there would be a gap of years between readings.

Is it inconsequential to a child that they know the ending of the story? Do children have an inate ability to just enjoy the journey to the end of the pages?

Fruitless

2006-01-05T18:44:00.000+13:00

I bought a packet of sticks today, about to go have another one.

He returned from holidays yesterday. Texting me was the first thing he did. He met me as my bus came into town. It was great to see him. Of course the inevitable happened, as it always does and I didn't go home until this morning.

Will I ever learn? He's back online chatting up girlies on the dating sites. I know he'll never change and it is fruitless, but I'm just not ready to shut him out.

It's the same old cliche. Why do we let men treat us this way? Once again, if I were you, I'd tell me, to tell him, to fuck off.

Liquid honey

2006-01-04T14:09:00.000+13:00

Today I am indifferent.

I still want the stick. I had one last night, standing out on the back deck pretending I was flirting with some new hottie who found me completely captivating and wanted to have my little love babies.

I have about 5 million different conditioning products in my hair and it still hasn't disguised the fact that I desperately need a hair cut.

Had a great wank this morning, all puffed up and juicy, an O like liquid honey.

I'm wearing old sweat pants and a baggy T like a sad no style housewife. Have painted my toenails in a sheer lilac, it's fast becoming my new favourite colour, for everything.

Need to do the dishes, but just can't be fagged, even though the messy kitchen is driving me nuts.

Should get off my arse and stop watching E!.

I really wanted to have staunch opinions about random facts and events today, but I don't.

Today I am indifferent.

Give me the stick

2006-01-03T18:10:00.000+13:00

I want a fucking Marlboro Light between the index and ring fingers of my right hand, I'd even settle for the same said fingers of my left hand.

Aside from one chain smoking red wine drinking blip, it's been 11 days. It's all been fine and dandy until I just saw a photo of a dude having a great time with the old cancer stick between his fingers, he was loving it! I loved it, I love it, I want to love it again.

But I'm not gonna.

Advice

2006-01-03T10:06:00.000+13:00

If I were you,
i'd tell me,
to tell him,
to fuck off.

Moments of random indulgence

2006-01-03T01:16:00.000+13:00

I smell like apricots. Why? In a moment of random indulgence I chose the time between the essential viewing of Queer Eye and Sex in the City to take a shower. One of those face mask and hair conditioning treatment while legs are shaved showers, and smothered my freshly washed, polished and depilatated body in a super duper moisture factor 10 lotion containing pure essence o’ apricots.

I do love a good moment of random indulgence. I’d like to say rare moments of random indulgence, but they’re not all that rare in my world. My credit card bill will happily show you that I indulge randomly quite frequently. And of course I can easily justify every single indulgence.

For instance, one Saturday while hungover after a Friday night involving Tequila and being at home in bed by 10pm, I went shopping. I needed sunglasses. I needed sunglasses because the black retangular movie star glasses that I loved broke (well the screw fell out of the leg, I suppose I could’ve just got a new screw but that wouldn’t be any fun), and although I had another 2 pairs they were both of the dark movie star variety and it was about time I broke out into the smokey can see your eyes through them style (not very good for anonymous perving, but quite stylish never the less).

Now I must warn the uninitiated that shopping hungover is not a good idea. I tried on at least 50 pairs of sunglasses, frustrating the hell out of the very patient, very cute and very young sales assistant, until I found the perfect pair. They just happened to be Italian and cost enough to sponsor nearly all the poor and starving World Vision children for a year. Of course I bought them. I strongly believe it is because of moments like these that God invented credit cards, especially credit cards from foolish foolish banks who allocate insane credit limits.

Of course the next non-hungover day, I had guilt issues over spending all that money. Conveniently I discovered that one of the lenses had a teensy weensy crack in it. So as soon as I could I returned them to the store to get a refund and ease my Catholic like guilt (which is a lot of guilt as I am not now, nor ever have been Catholic). Now here comes the moment of justified random indulgence. Within the 20 minutes proceeding the return of funds to my credit card there ensued a shopping frenzy. In a whirlwind of plastic and pin numbers I managed to acquire 2 pairs of sunglasses (couldn’t decide between 2 so got both, they were one 17th of the price of the original pair), 2 pink scarves (once again, couldn’t decide between them) and a pair of very pointy and very pretty pink shoes. Now how did I justify all that spending? It was a bargain, all those lovely pretty things for less than 2/3 of the feed the starving children for a year price. And the pink shoes, I can’t tell you how supremely divine these shoes are. They make me clap my hands with pure joy. All I need to do to cheer myself up is look at my feet and I squeal with delight.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness had to be a man, at least a non-heterosexual and non-metrosexual man).

It's just not necessary

2006-01-03T00:16:00.000+13:00

What is it with quilting?
And why devote perfectly good television time to a show about it?
Sad.

Don't forget to push

2006-01-02T16:34:00.001+13:00

Now that I am on the 'other side' of my twenties I have noticed that as time passes I get more and more set in my ways. I'm sure that I'm rapidly approaching my demise into mad old cat lady-hood where in my lavender twinset and pearls I will mobility scooter myself down to the shops everyday to spend 3 years discussing my piles and dodgy hips with the butcher (even if the butcher is in fact a meat vending machine or somesuch, as I'm hoping that my mad old cat lady-hood is a long time into the future yet).

Anyway, what made me think of this was choosing a DVD at the video store today. When I was younger I was a lot more open minded to the types of movies I liked to watch. But these days 8 times out of 10 I will go for a chick flick, because I know that I will enjoy the sentimentality and predictability of it. Of course there are many other genres that I know I will enjoy, but I just can't be bothered wading through them all. So it made me wish that someone could invent a special movie-taste mind reading device that could plug itself into your brain and instantly give you a comprehensive list of all the movies you would enjoy. Of course this list would be 100% guaranteed to meet your tastes, on any day and in whatever mood you may be.

I feel it's quite sad that I have to make a concentrated effort to push myself outside of the easy choices, I'm sure I'm missing out on many enjoyable moments by doing so. When is it, I wonder, that we forget how to push and lose the desire to experience the new?

It would be nice to think that I will reach a grand old age and have not missed experiencing a myriad of wonderful moments. That said, I'm secretly looking forward to being a grumpy old baggage in my mobility scooter. It's funny how old age gives you a licence to be a bitch.